Andrew
Member #17270, from NY, United States, 47 years old

Over the years I have often wondered if my wife was killed in an abortion. I have a hard time believing in a God who did not provide for me, but I also understand that sin has its consequences, so this seems like a plausible but sad explanation to me. Feel free to prove me wrong, of course.

What we do on Sundays can form a wonderful foundation for family life. When I think about how, for thousands of years, holy men and women have set the day apart and made it special, it sends shivers up my spine. As I've incorporated this into my life, even to the point of limiting Sunday purchases to the absolute minimum, I've found it has made a significant difference for me spiritually. I look forward to Sundays, and the break in routine each Lord's Day brings with it. It's not just carving out of a busy day a few minutes or an hour for our Lord, but the whole enchilada. If my own little observance changes the tone of the day so dramatically, I know doing this with a partner, and (God willing) children, would be tremendous.

That said, I am sadly growing resigned to the likelihood that I will be too old to start a family by the time I might meet a compatible Catholic lady. They are few and far between and my chances do not look good at 47, especially after having been here six and a half years. Often, I feel the way Jesus must have felt when He cursed the barren fig tree. (Mark 11:12-14)

I have an excellent relationship with my parents, my sister, and my brother-in-law. I've lived with my parents all my life. There. I've said it. For those who see that as worse than leprosy or AIDS, we have some nice parting gifts at the door. Any lady who finds a problem with that is welcome to marry me and give me a reason to buy my own house, for which I have a reasonable down payment already saved. Otherwise, to do that so I can be even more lonely than I am now is senseless.

A question that has arisen more than once is "You ask so much; what do you have to offer?" Well, I've been known to cook. I'm really good at breakfast and dessert in particular. I know how to fold clothes and change sheets and make beds and vacuum. I try to leave things the way I found them. If something needs to be done, I'm more inclined to do it or learn how to do it rather than yell for someone else to do it for me-- but I always try to say "thanks" when someone does something for me. A friend told me that I always interpret things in the best possible light. A woman who wants to make intelligent conversation-- discussing ideas rather than things or other people-- would have a ball with me. I guess, in a word, I try to be a gentleman.

Another thought that has occurred to me is that I often see husbands and wives knocking one another, calling one another names, or making disparaging remarks about each other. I want to try hard not to develop that habit. I think that a husband and wife need to see themselves as a team-- and that means sticking up for one another, especially in the presence of others. If someone makes an unkind remark about my wife, I want to be the first to defend her, rather than join in the attack.

Finally, she needs to be modest and feminine. Those words have been corrupted over the last two or three generations, so I need to be clear. If you think a guy who craves a woman in a long, flowing dress is crazy, then I'm looking for someone else. If you think that dressing well for work and putting on jeans and sneakers for your husband is fine, you won't like me. (This is by way of example; I expect to support my wife so she does not need to work.) But if you're willing to be different-- if you think that maybe giving up jeans and sneakers would be worth a happy marriage-- if you understand that looking nice doesn't mean being uncomfortable-- if you're willing to save a lot for your husband instead of revealing it to just anyone who passes-- then you may be the person I'm trying to find.

Because so many ladies seem to think otherwise, I have to add this: Children from a previous marriage are not a disqualifying factor. If you are the lady of my dreams, your children will become my children, and I will look after them just as St. Joseph looked after Jesus. (If you don't have any children, please don't conclude, "He wants a woman with children... sigh.")

I also need to make clear that I'm less interested in where my wife has been than I am interested in where she wants to go. Anyone who wants to walk the same road I want to take is welcome to join me-- the path she took to get here is not of overriding importance.

If you like what you find here but have doubts that you'll be "good enough," you should write anyway. When I try to contact ladies they seem to think that I am not good enough for them. In fact, someone I respect told me many years ago that while I had quite decent standards he feared that no one would ever think me to be good enough. So far, his statement has been prophetic. Perhaps you could help me prove it wrong.

If you have a big, warm heart, that is important too. Sometimes I suspect that only a warm-hearted lady would consider someone like me.

Finding a good travelling companion would be a real pleasure. I dislike interstates immensely-- they're so cultural. I much prefer any "road less travelled" over the road everyone else takes. You also have to be able to endure a Catholic who doesn't believe in speeding-- ever-- and who believes that oil is a precious, non-renewable resource that must be conserved even if no one else is making any attempt to do so (meaning we go 55 on the highway no matter how high the speed limit is or how many other people are doing 75).

I know-- what about EWTN? We're better advised to get it via shortwave. Usually the audio is sufficient anyway. Besides, if one has to pay a cable or satellite company to get EWTN, almost all the money will go to the producers of trash. EWTN gets none of it.

The Catholic Church-- and of course God Himself-- recognizes the value of symbols in her sacraments. Likewise, the clothes we choose to wear have great symbolic significance. I wear only dress clothes unless I'm actually doing something that dictates otherwise (such as painting my house). I hope that a good Catholic woman would be eager to return the favor. Jeans, sneakers, shorts, sweat pants, miniskirts, t-shirts, and the like say something about us, and it isn't good. They say "I want to be comfortable." "I want to fit in." "I want to be like everyone else." "I'll wear anything other people tell me to wear." Then, just as I was starting to think that maybe I really was crazy, I found this book called Dressing with Dignity, by Colleen Hammond, that almost made me cry because it's so much on target. I highly recommend it. I don't even own a pair of jeans, shorts, or sneakers-- and I'm looking for a soulmate.

Another book I've found fascinating is Diana West's The Death of the Grownup. Jeans, t-shirts, and sneakers are the most obvious symptom of our arrested development to me; this book takes a close look at why it all happened. As a Catholic, I see a clear correlation between the diseased culture that began to sprout in the 1950's and the decay that began in the Catholic Church even before the Second Vatican Council. I recommend this book as well.

A third book that has influenced my perception of women in the last year or so is Wendy Shalit's A Return to Modesty. I won't say anything more here, but if you grab a copy and tear into it you'll see why I found it disturbing and challenging at the same time. It will be well worth your time.

Yet another book that every woman here ought to read is Fascinating Womanhood, by Helen Andelin. It is subversive in today's culture, and many of you will dismiss it (and me) out of hand, but I think we ignore it at our peril.

For a peaceful, joyful wedding reception, I would like very much to have a quiet but big picnic at a local park where everyone, including children, could be invited.

I like pets. Virtually all pets like me. I prefer cats, but my sister and her husband taught me how to like dogs too. If I had a dog I would teach it to use a box or a toliet though; even though a cat uses a box naturally, dogs can be trained, so why not? I don't think cats (or dogs) should be allowed to roam the streets. If they need to go outside they should be on a leash.

I like the outdoors but I hate being in the sun, especially in the summertime. That is one reason why others have said I look good for my age; sun is a killer. Find me a shady spot and I'll usually be reasonably happy.

My preference in liturgy is a reverently offered Novus Ordo Mass in Latin-- like the EWTN Mass. Do you see why I'm lonely? I would, however, attend the extraordinary form of Mass (also known as Tridentine) if that is what it took to attract a decent Catholic lady, as long as it was approved by the local bishop in communion with the Pope. Any sort of nuptial mass in Latin would be a special joy.

I strongly protest being required to provide height, weight, eye color, and hair color. Those are not Catholic values! They are irrelevant nonsense. I hope you agree.

You get extra points if you can converse without using the expression, "I was, like..." I wish I could have children who didn't speak that way. If you hang around me long enough my good example will rub off on you, though-- I try to lead by example and not by coercion or intimidation, which almost always pays off in this area as well as others. I have noticed that people do not curse or swear around me much even though I never tell them not to do that; how do they know? They know from my example. I anticipate learning from my wife's good example in areas where I am deficient as well.

After experiencing the same silence that others here have received upon attempting to make contact, I want to offer a guarantee. I will respond to any bona fide inquiry. In other words, as long as you aren't trying to smuggle money out of Nigeria, I promise to reply, even if it is a short and sweet, "No, thanks." I'll be happy to discuss anything I've written here as well, even if you aren't ready to pack up and move to New York right away.

If you're thinking, "He hasn't written to me so he must not be interested in me," you should know that most profiles here tell me little of what I need to know in order to write to someone. (Most profiles are sorely lacking in substance, sad to say.) I'm reluctant to write to anyone who hasn't indicated similar preferences to mine. I've shared my heart and soul here as best as I can. You probably know far more about me than I know about you, so that's why the ball has landed in your court. Grab it and run with it-- or at least drop your handkerchief by editing your profile if you want me to make the first move. I'm always looking; in particular, I check new members almost every evening, and I check revised profiles every Sunday evening. Write in your profile that you don't watch television, are interested in homeschooling, like to wear long, pretty dresses, and will relocate if necessary and you'll probably hear from me. If you do not mention those things in your profile, I will have no reasonable way of knowing that you might be interested. I concentrate on those living near me when I search here, so if you live further away you will have to work harder to get my attention if you don't want to write to me first.

One more thing-- based upon what I have seen so far, I don't expect anyone under 35 or so to be interested, although younger women seem to be more receptive to my values. Many folks seem to see chronological age as being critical. I don't. To me, emotional and spiritual age is more important. Still, if you are under 35, you will have to make an explicit indication in your profile that you do not see chronological age as a barrier if you want me to contact you first. It's okay with me if it's okay with you but you have to let me know somehow that you are different. Also note that I don't ask for exceptions to age blocks-- if you have one that excludes me, you will need to remove it if you want me to write. I take people at their word-- no means no.

Even if you've read all this and are saying to yourself, "He really is crazy," please offer some prayers for me. It is lonely being stranded in the wrong universe with no way to get back to where all the other people like me must be. I wish God hadn't thrown away the mold after He created me.

So, are you countercultural and ready to take the rest of the journey with a loving friend? Now is the time to take the first step.

References:

What I Did on Sunday
The Quiz
Anti-grunge page
Mary Beth Bonacci: Dating Is About Dumping
Casti Connubii
Humanae Vitae
Evangelium Vitae
Rerum Novarum

Newton Minow's classic 1961 speech "Television and the Public Interest" (TV was a "vast wasteland" then and went downhill from there.)

Catholic Modesty
Future Catholic Homeschoolers Association of Long Island